You and I  know this well too well: we have all felt this moment when enough is enough and you need to do something about an issue be it anything: your health; relationship; work; horrible bosses etc – you start quite well and big and all at once: going on a diet; exercising; cutting on drinking; going raw etc., only to find yourself that by day three you binge eat whatever your eyes and hands can catch in the fridge and kitchen cupboards.

How come this keeps happening? We are creatures of habit and some of them do not work for us!

Let’s dig into what can work!

Imagine a scenario when you want to speak to a conference in two months and you are terrified at public speaking. One thing is your fear of public speaking and something else can be the limiting belief that you unconsciously have. Something like, whatever I would say would sound stupid or I can’t make it. Or it will be a total fiasco or disaster (whatever your limiting belief is). If you have these beliefs, you will do anything in your power to sabotage yourself for these beliefs to come true. Strange, right? But this is how limiting beliefs work if you are not aware of them!

Let’s say that that is your goal: Speak and present fluently my research in two months time in front of 500 people.

Great – so you have defined your goal: It is specific; you are starting with the end in mind; time bound, big and compelling and also attainable; you have written it down so you can see it every day. Now what is left is that you set measurable milestones everyday (if only it were that easy!!) and the deeper and harder part of it, is that it needs to align with your values and beliefs.

When you are shaping a goal, you need to look into your values: what is important for me in presenting my research? What values of mine am I honoring by doing so? It can be your contribution and impact or service or community – anything: values are personal.

One other thing to look at are the beliefs you are holding for yourself as mentioned before: they can be created from anything: culture; social media, family, something somebody said at some point to you that we take as reality for us etc. If you are not achieving your goals, chances are that the beliefs you hold are creating obstacles and preventing you from achieving what you want.

It is also important to make it your own goal and nobody else’s – something that you believe you must achieve and again not because it is imposed on you by society or culture or parents or friends or colleagues or bosses! It simply has to be your own goal! (Like I want to give this presentation as I have something to say that will improve the quality of life for people.)

How do you make it a success story to achieve your goals? To sum all up what I already mentioned:

1.  Start with the end in mind: know where you are going. If you do not know, it is quite difficult to navigate. It is like having a gps with no address. Therefore, have a highly specific goal that you write down.

2. Goals must be something that you want and not something that people are expecting of you.

3. As explained, goals need to be congruent with your values and your belief system.

4. They have to be SMART: Specific, measurable, attainable; realistic and timebound.

5. You have to commit! Accept the fact that this goal is not magically going to happen. It requires effort and commitment.

6.  Have measurable milestones during the journey of your goal achievement. Milestones that you have control over and you don’t end up feeling like a victim. You need to be able to track your progress and have feedback and adjust during the way if something is not working. For example, if I need to deliver the presentation in two months, I will practice it every single day for 30 minutes to 1 hour and then when I know it upside down I will present in front of family, friends, colleagues…anyone who is willing to hear so I am ready to present it to 500 people in two months.

7. Be flexible and open minded: true you have set a goal but it important that in the process of achieving this goal to be mindful of what other circumstances/results/new opportunities are showing up that I did not see before I set this goal. Continues readjustment is key to success!

8.  Bring others along: there is a saying: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together”. Bringing others along by talking about our goals not only makes them more pertinent and real, it also provides us with great support through those difficult, reluctant times.

Remember that goals are a mean to an end – not the ultimate purpose of our lives. They are tools to hold us in the direction of what we want and have us be focused. And there are so many more “side-effects” to achieving goals. It is not the achievement of the goals that make us happy and fulfilled, it is who we become in the process of achieving these goals – how much we grow and expand and learn – that gives us that strong feeling of fulfillment. Knowing that you can do it if you set your mind and heart to it increases also your self-confidence, personal leadership and self-awareness.

Aristotle asserted long ago in his Politics: “Man is by nature a social animal … Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god.”

Social connections are an equally important need to our survival and fulfillment as the need for food, safety, and shelter. The recent developments have seen a society that is growing exponentially in some parts of the world prosperous and individualistic, though the social connections are weakening. Consequences of these do show in the workplaces as well: We are volunteering less. We do not make friends at work. We work remotely and in our own little bubbles in the open offices. As a result, interaction, communication and engagement of employees has decreased.

As mentioned previously in the article from my colleague on listening with curiosity, it is vital that we listen and pay attention and be mindful to the people surrounding us. And adding on that, starting with deep listening, we create connections. We are seen for who we are. We feel we belong. We tend to give our best when we are seen and acknowledged.

Connection happens when all are aligned with the cause; the values; the vision of the workplace; and relate to one another at a deeper level; understand what we all stand for without sacrificing ourselves and what we believe and change who we are to fit in.

What I find important is this authenticity that comes with true connection: you see me and I see you without any of us wanting to change one another. There is the individuality; the acceptance; the intimacy, freedom and truth. We are true to ourselves and do not change simply to fit in and be liked.

And in my opinion, connecting with another person, does not need to be an elaborated plan of action – connection needs to be born spontaneously having the will, wish and curiosity and sometimes courage to get to know another person and learn and grow from this person.

That is why the following are ideas of what we could/choose to do to initiate some connection:

1. Show interest and care to your colleagues: Sometimes as simple as saying “good morning” and taking an interest in your colleagues: being curious of who they are and what their world is like. There is always growth and learning in interacting with others. Acknowledge them and say thank you!
2. Give a voice to everyone: With the increase of remote work, it is important that all members of the team are heard. It is crucial that everyone is involved and be part of the process so as the feelings of belonging and commitment are increased. Even if you are working across the country, make sure you meet regularly on any of the digital platforms to say hello and share your progress. Another idea that can be implemented is to leave mobile phones out of the meeting room for more presence and connection.
3. Be helpful to others, just because you can: From my experience, nothing creates connection faster than helping a colleague or simply having someone’s back in a challenging situation. See what you can do for each other to make each-other’s day lighter. Care for the well-being of one another.

We spend most of our awake day at work, and it is important to have our needs covered. Take the first step towards connecting with another colleague: invite someone to lunch; ask about their day; hobbies; thoughts; dreams. As daring as it can be, people are craving for deep meaningful conversations that lead to deeper connections! Be that daring one!!!

Are you ready to bring coaching culture to your organization? Do not hesitate to contact us – we are ready to support you!

The Big C is a coaching organization devoted to helping young professionals step into their leadership and to supporting organizations develop, engage and retain their future leaders.

www.thebigc.nl

https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-bigc/

I said goodbye to a close friend; cold calls; loads of rejections; free workshops; endless networking; long hours; some extra weight; many airports; unresponsive clients; fakeness; multitasking; attachment to material stuff…

I welcomed my newborn nephew Lukas; spent and made time for family; strengthened some old friendships and made new; experienced a growing business; 5300m altitude above the sea – feeling the nausea and still walking to reach the top; witnessed one of the world’s wonders: Machu Picchu and all its grandeur and history; traveled to more than 10 countries; trekking in canyons until bleeding; being a digital nomad; gave workshops in more than 5 countries internationally; laughed and cried my heart out; I experienced what it means to be in the present!

My word in 2018 was “TRUST” – trust in the process; trust that I am doing the right thing as I am following my passion and heart; trust that things will work out; trust that I am at the right place at the right time; trust in the goodness and support of people; trust that what I am creating in my life is the lessons and growth I need at the moment; trust that I am good and capable enough etc.

Having embarked on this entrepreneurial journey, trust is one of the biggest lessons I had to learn and still am learning at times. As hard and fragile as it is, trust I have learned is also a state of mind, a sensation, an intuition…and without wanting to sound naïve giving it is the best way to getting it.

This new year coming, my word is LOVE…it has always been there for me in what I do and I want to turn up more the volume for it. I love what I do and it shows though I find myself at times frustrated with the obstacles and process; lost in the details and miss the big picture. My intention is to learn how to love the process be it at work or private and somehow forget the attachment to the end result/goal and be open and flexible to what comes up during the process.

My wish for all of us is to live fully and love fully, take ourselves seriously and then again not too seriously, have fun and enjoy life and loved ones every single day!

When presenting the co-active leadership model, I usually encourage people to figure out in which of the dimensions they are least comfortable in and what do they need to practice the most and get out of their comfort zone – so as to get the juiciest learnings.

Mine has been the leader beside. Being a truly committed leader beside means being in a true partnership where both people show up fully, lean on each other and take full responsibility for every part of the initiative.

The most challenging role that I have taken as a leader beside is co-hosting workshops/trainings with various colleagues.

What I have learned is that it is crucial to not only know myself and my triggers but also know and trust the person I am co-hosing with; know each other strengths and weaknesses and discus how to use them to complement each other, that is: clear and honest communication is key.

Learned and failed by experience with the latter – one of the best ways I learned to tackle that part is to have open heart to heart communication exploring:

• What is our common goal? What is our vision?
• What is it you are afraid that I might do wrong?
• Knowing me, what do you see as a challenge working together?
• How do we communicate silently during the workshop?
• How do we support each other during the workshop?
• What is it you need from me? How would you let me know?

When co-hosting, it is important to have a great sense of intuition and situational awareness. It is not a good idea to divide the workshop into “your turn – my turn parts”; the best scenario is both hosts are responsible 100% for the content and can lean on each other 100% and can jump in and out as the situation arises.

Regrouping after the event and sharing the learnings with the same honesty and vulnerability and at the same time with honest introspection of what, where, how of what I did contributed to the whole or not is a necessary practice for all the growth and learning.

Try it out!

In our daily lives, if you are parents of a child/children – you are being the leader beside every day with your partner. How do you step up and show up for the “job”? Check in and see what needs to be adjusted!

When teaching “Transforming Conflicts” in a workshop, we got the question of the Compromise. Why not COMPROMISE? Would that not be the solution towards Win-Win?

Imagine this picture: you are to choose between wearing sporty and classy shoes. What would the compromise be? Wear the left sporty and the right foot classy, right?

Chris Voss, in his book “Never split the difference” says: “the great problem with compromise is that it has come to be known as this great concept, in relationships and politics and everything else. Compromise we are told quite simply, is a sacred moral good”.

Why do we compromise? Sometimes it is because it is the easiest way out and feels like at least we got something out of it. For a person that is not good at negotiations, it feels like it is a battle of the strongest character or the one that would shout the loudest or the one who has the strongest argument would win.

We do sometimes compromise to avoid conflicts and make the other counterpart happy. We are driven to avoid pain and suffering.

Instead in the co-active model of Transforming Conflicts we start with aligning and accepting the bigger picture; the common ground; the why are we in it together; the what is bigger than the conflict and seeing the bigger context.

Then we progress towards fully understanding each other’s point of view (not necessarily agreeing with it) without feeling like we are being threatened or having to choose of what is right or wrong.

After this step, we move to Agreement or Disagreement where new creative solutions are found. When the first two steps are taken in good spirits it is easier to move in agreement or disagreement. From there on we tab into the creativity of finding a solution that is win-win for both parties. A solution that we go wholeheartedly into and not out of fear or because we want to feel safe and avoid conflicts. Feel into and see what the creative solution is when we actually align, understand and create together.

How do you navigate your life? When the tides are low and the tides are high? How do you steer your ship in a rough sea? In a quiet one? Do you simply let it float? What guides you?

We all have our navigation system. At the core of this navigation system stand ethics, morals and values. While the first two are mostly externally established, values are your own guide and compass. Values will prescribe what you decide to do or not do in a certain situation – that is why values are important to know.

There are many ways how to extract for yourself what your values are. I will name a few below. Be generous with yourself with time and patience to go through these exercises and if you still have doubts or clashes of values, please work with a coach or a mentor.

1. Write down an experience in your life where you were the happiest; the proudest; the most fulfilling moment? What was present there for you? What needs were covered?
2. Write down a moment in your life when you were at your best – what were you doing? What was important there for you?
3. Name 2-3 persons in your life that you admire. What qualities in them do you admire? Make a list of those qualities.
4. Answer the following questions:
5. What drives you crazy? What upsets you? (the opposite of answers you get here are your values, example: if your answer is hate – your value here is love etc).
6. What is an absolute must for you in life?
7. What can you NOT compromise with?
8. What is lacking when you are not happy?

It might be that you do not have the answers for all these questions. Start with what is easier for you. Keep on journaling…

Notice what words stand out; what is in common in all the answers. The words that stood out are your VALUES. You might need some assistance in this part of the process. Sometimes, we can’t see the forest for the trees on our own.

Once you have a list, circle 5-6 of these values that are the most important to you. These are your core values. These are values that are at the bottom of all are values, feeding them. It might be very easy for some to discover the core values and for some not.

Let’s take an example: you might have written “money” at some point. Ask yourself: what does it mean to me to have money? What would money give me? You might answer: freedom or security; or fun etc. Money is not a value in itself.  In this case, freedom or security or fun are core values.

Knowing core values is very important. In case there is discrepancy between your values and your decisions or what you are doing and being, you will never feel content with your life. Be clear about your values. Make an effort to become aware and stay vigilant as values can change depending on what stage of life we are and what we consider important at this phase.

I would be happy to support you in this process. Start today with taking charge of your life and creating a life you want. Book a complementary session here:

Once upon a time there was a beautiful peacock that had all the colours of the rainbow in his feathers. Everywhere he went, he was admired. Everyone wanted to touch or have a selfie with him. The peacock admired all the attention and was quite happy that he was the centre of the zoo. All the other peacocks were jealous that unlike them, which had mostly blue plumage, he was so rare and special with all his rainbow colours.

Day in and day out, the peacock would spread his wings for people to admire and take photos. His confidence was at the top. He felt he had the best life ever! He didn’t care what all the other peacocks in the zoo said about him and he was no friends of theirs. He was invincible with his rainbow plumage.

…or so he thought…

One day, out of the blue, his feathers started falling and losing their colour. The peacock lost his shine and splendour. He got worried and sad and didn’t know what was happening. People didn’t want to take photos of him anymore. The zoo people took him to specialist after specialist with no success. They could not do anything for him. He was hiding in a corner and didn’t want to talk to anyone. The rest of the peacocks left him in peace but this tiny little one who approached him with an open and loving heart and started being with him. Accepting the peacock for who he was. Accepting him going through changes. the once glorious peacock at first didn’t bother for the tiny peacock but then sensing the genuineness of the love and desire to help from the tiny peacock, a special bond was created between the two. The tiny peacock was always so curious of what was going on with the older peacock and asked him a lot of questions.

Sometimes the old peacock would not know the answer of all those questions and that made him think when he was in his lonely corner. It made him think of all his life – what has been the meaning of that. It made him think what principles and values had guided his life so far. He started realising that the way he had done things was not what he truly wanted for himself and what he wanted to be remembered for.

Every day he was looking forward to spend time with the little peacock – it gave him joy and willingness to live and enjoy life. He slowly started to come out of his corner, interact with others, connect, taking an interest in what others were thinking and doing and suddenly a shift happened with him.

His joy could be noticed from others…his energy and his plumage started to shine through again. The most important thing is that he was happy – genuinely happy and fulfilled. And his happiness was not because of his outer beauty but because now he had found his purpose of living. And his little companion was a big part of that process.

I am surprised at how often people use the phrase “I don’t know!”. I meet it every day with friends, family, myself and especially with my clients.

Sometimes, it seems such a genuine answer especially when people say “Honestly, I have thought long and hard about it and I don’t know!” but it can also be a snake in the grass. Of course, there are genuine uses of it especially when you are lacking proper information like:

• “What are the ingredients of this cake?”
• “I don’t know!”

However, most of us use “I don’t know!” to avoid answering questions we actually do know the answer to. It has become such an easy way to escape and dodge facing your responsibilities, giving your control to someone else, letting someone else choose for you. Have you even wondered what the reasons are why we use “I don’t know!”?

If you consider a simple scenario like:

• “What do you feel like doing tonight?”
• “I don’t know!”

Here are some of the most prevalent reasons:

1. In case I get it wrong: basically, here what it means is I know what I want to do but if I say it, you might not agree with me and it might not sound cool so I will feel stupid, rejected and get embarrassed.
2. I can’t be bothered but I will not say that and here it means it is too much effort to figure out what I want to do and even if I do I will go into lengthy discussions of negotiating what we want to do so instead I simply answer I don’t know so that you decide for us.
3. It is too hard to find the answer so instead of feeling and going through the stress and the effort of feeling, sensing and trusting what I want, I would rather you do it for me so I do not get the responsibility of blaming myself for not having fun.

What is your reason for saying “I don’t know!”?

There are times when the words just fly out of our mouths without even thinking of the question – it is like an automatic and safe response. Sometimes in the shape of “I am not sure” or “I am not certain” – find your way of saying “I don’t know!”.

There are consequences with using these phrases.

Firstly, the people involved get pretty annoyed with your lack of contribution, sense of purpose, enthusiasm and that they have to bear all the burden of deciding for you. And when they do, no matter how well they know you and how meaningful and intuitive these people are, they will never know exactly what you wanted and you will never be fully satisfied.

Secondly, you never get what you want in life as you never clearly say what it is exactly you want. You do not get to design your life; express your dreams and wishes and simply float where the waves of life take you.

Thirdly, no one ever takes you seriously as you do not have a meaning and at some point people will stop asking you and assume that you will be fine with whatever they choose for you.

Fourthly, your self-esteem and self-confidence will suffer big time because of that.

Therefore, I would strongly recommend banning such an “innocent” phrase from your vocabulary right now or if you must use it add phrases like:

• Give me a few moments and I will decide
• I will figure it out by time/date.

Take charge of your life and figure out what it is you really want and create the life you desire. Trust that you know!